So this is not a usual blog post. But I feel I need to get it off my chest. Also because the lack of followers I can use this as a thing to get off my chest.
So mental illness. Not a laughing matter, but a very serious matter that can affect anyone and everyone, regardless of age, gender, nationality and religious beliefs. Saying you have a mental illness is kind of a bit weird, your not really like ill you aren't sick or viral. And a disorder makes me think I can't do something. I like to think of them as inconviences. I'm not ill and I don't have a disorder, I'm just dealing with life slightly differently that other people. Everyone in their life will experience a symptom of mental illness, it can be as small as having a panic attack or can be a major as living with several and coping with them everyday.
On this spectrum I am unfortunately on the worse end and I deal with a variety of mental illnesses everyday. These are:
-Major depressive disorder
-Anxiety
-Social anxiety
-Panic attacks
-PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
-OCD
-Bipolar
-Body dysmorphic disorder
-Avoidant personality disorder
-Dyslexia
-Paranoia
-Anger
Okay I didn't realise I had this many until I wrote them all down. I'm gunna go into detail about a few of these disorders/illnesses and tell you how it affects me and how I get on with it. A few of these are symptoms of drug abuse and I want to put a disclaimer I DO NOT TAKE DRUGS. They all go hand in hand together and appear together.
So depression: I take medication every day and it makes the feelings such as feeling down, and wanting to cry a little softer. I still feel them everyday- but I can cope with it, I can distract myself and find things to make me happy. Around 1 in 7 days (so once a week) I have a down day, this is when my medication doesn't work as well and I cannot block out these feelings as easy. Such as today, this is why I'm writing a blog post, although I'm talking about it- I can block it out and focus on this. On a day like today, I struggled to get out of bed for college at 6.30 this morning, and I had no lessons this morning my dad drove me in later at 11. When I got to college I immediately wanted to go home, I didn't want to meet my friends, I had no motivation to do work and I just wanted to return to my bed! But I sucked it up, took a big breath of air and held my head high as I walked in. Instantly a friend met me in the library and we had a laugh and he made me feel slightly better, once he left to go to lesson, another friend met me in the library and knew I was having a bad day so spent the time trying to make me smile. On a day like this, I tend not to eat- I don't know why I just don't feel hungry. So I walked through the canteen to get to another part of college and I saw a few people from my course and sat down with them whilst they ate, then we chilled and had a laugh (another happy moment) then class came at 2.30 and I had to attend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but I still preferred to be in bed. Once I was home again, I wasn't in the mood to speak to anyone, so I kept quiet but my mum didn't get that and we argued, resulting in me in my room laying on the floor texting my best friend. This cheered me up but I still feel alone! No one gets what I go through and I'm left to deal with it myself. But the moral is even though they may not understand- friends can actually cheer you up. Another moral although you may not feel like going to college/school/work, go! It can maybe cheer you up and it benefits you- you get education or paid (: I've rambled already: my bad!
Another point: (social and normal) anxiety and panic attacks. These will be the death of me! I have many panic attacks a day. Like again today I must of had 10 easily! Going into college, being in a full library, going into the canteen full of people, going into class, getting on the bus home, walking home, arguing with my mum and being alone. Just being around a large group of people. (Over 4 people) can set me off, it makes me nervous and I don't know who to talk to, what to say to a group or how I should act. This is kinda bad as my job requires me to talk to lots of strangers and I struggle with that a lot! It's got to the point now I can deal with these in my head, I don't show the tell tale signs any more. I just go quiet and walk away from the situation if I can. If I can't I convince myself the environment is ok, I'm not gunna get murdered or kidnapped and there are people out there dealing with the same thing. This makes me feel slightly easier. Plus I can remove myself from most situations. College: I can step outside my lessons for fresh air, work: I can take a break and return when I feel sane. But life goes on. I deal with these everyday and probably will for the rest of my life (:
PTSD I'm not gunna go into detail as it's very personal. But I get issues every day of something that is upsetting. This makes me really upset and yeah I do cry about it. But I save it for the bedroom. I ignore what is being said or being talked about and then I release when I'm alone.
Avoidant personality disorder is kinda linked to my social anxiety. I avoid people and situations as I know they can upset me. Obviously I cannot avoid everything, but I deal with it as it comes. If I can I"'ll avoid it, it's instinct. You don't put yourself through pain and upset purposely. But I do try and deal with it.
Paranoia is a main issue in my life. Also it's the main reason I have a trust issue. I cannot trust anyone completely, none of my family or my friends. I can trust people in little bits but nothing major. If someone invites me to go out, I think they are gunna do something to me or someone is gunna mention something or do something I cannot handle. I'm not sure what started this but I now deal with it everyday. It's hard not trust anyone. I can't really talk to anyone and I never feel safe. Every time I get in a car I always think we could crash or someone crash into me. I can't even tell anyone these feelings as I think everyone would judge me and that I'll be more alone than I already am. I hate to admit but I can't/don't deal with this issue.
Lastly Anger. Well uh I have a problem *raises hand*. Frequently I get told by my parents I have a strong anger problem/issue. I can admit I do. I slam my hand into walls, doors, anything that's solid. I have multiple bruises and holes in walls. I cannot keep my temper and I rant a lot. But I handle it by realising at the time, something is wrong and do the 'count to 10' method. This allows me to fully think about my actions and to chose to do something else. This doesn't always work but has saved me from breaking my hands a few times :D
I have a few underlying problems but I'll just keep those ones locked away. No one needs to hear about those ones.
The main thing I want to say is that, people don't show they have a mental illness. It's not chicken pox where everyone can see your ill. Many of us smile like nothing is wrong and get on with life. Why would we show people that we are suffering? My point is that just because someone 'looks fine/ok' doesn't necessarily mean they are okay! If you deal with mental illness: keep swimming! It does get easier, and I'm proud of you for still being here (: if you know someone who deals with mental illness: show them you care and are available if needed. Trust me they'll appreciate it.
If you don't deal with it and don't know anyone who deals with: don't pretend you know what's going on you probably don't. And don't judge people who self harm, suicide- you don't know what struggles that person has been through. And lastly we are not looney or insane, we just deal with issues different to you!
Do I look like someone who has many mental issues? No! Because I have a funny face and I 'look fine' don't judge a book by its cover!
Sorry for the incredibly long post but it had to be done.
Don't give up, it's not the end!
N
